Hard for Me to Say I'm Sorry

Dear D,

I know you may never see this and that if you did, you would most likely be unimpressed by my efforts here. But as I've grown older, I've realized that apologies are really for the person making them more than they are for the one who receives them and after twelve years, I'm more than ready to let go. Twelve years...has it really been that long? It doesn't seem possible. Wasn't it just yesterday that we began that endless Summer of '91? We were so young, so happy, and so free. We were brand-new adults unencumbered by true adulthood. I was free at last from my high school boyfriend's abusive reign of terror, and you and I were on the verge of finally being more than good friends. How were we to know then that even with my arm finally out of the sling, I wasn't yet healed from the injuries that the two years I spent under his thumb had inflicted on my spirit? Too soon to jump into something new? But, I loved you, I trusted you, wasn't that enough? Sadly, it wasn't. But how could I have known that then? And even if I had, I don't think it would have mattered. I was eighteen, free, and in love; and I couldn't have been happier or more excited about what the future might hold for us. While I can't be that girl anymore, she's still inside me. For the last twelve years she's been suffering, and not really in silence. It is on her behalf that I say what I do here.

So, twelve years too late, I just want to say that I'm sorry for hurting you. For the lying and the cheating and all the other stupid things my insecurities drove me to do. We waited so long to be together, you would think I went into it with some kind of game plan, but I had no experience, no sources to draw from, and absolutely no self-esteem. The one thing I learned from the two years I spent in servitude to my high school "sweetheart" was that I was a bad person. I was unworthy of love, deserving of abuse, and "lucky" to have anyone in my life at all. My head may have known he was full of it, but it took my heart years to catch up. And I just wasn't there yet. I know that people who hate themselves as much as I did back then have no business trying to love anyone else. But how could I resist loving you? You, who knew me better than I knew myself. You, who made me laugh and laughed at my jokes in return. You treated me so decently and so wonderfully and who made me so happy and who was repaid with nothing more than a few jokes, some slow dances, and extremely erratic loyalty. You deserved better, even then I knew that. I just couldn't be "better" back then. I didn't have it in me. I didn't believe in myself enough, and frankly, I never understood what you saw in me. I spent most of our relationship trying to prove to you just how unfounded your faith in me was, and ultimately, I succeeded. I have no one to blame but myself.

I have been told by many that you are a very different person from the one I once knew. That you don't "deserve" to hear the words "I'm sorry" from me. That may or may not be true, but regardless of who you are now or how much you may hate me; that doesn't mean I shouldn't say I'm sorry when I've done something wrong. If that young girl inside has taught me anything, it is that. I've heard it said that people who don't love themselves can't love other people, but I don't think that's true. I think they're just really bad at it. None of those other stupid boys ever held a candle to the way you made me feel or the way I felt about you, they were just pathetic attempts to 'prove' something to myself. What that was, I'll never know. For what it's worth, I really did love you. In fact, you were the first boyfriend I really loved, and possibly the only person other than my husband that I've ever loved so much. And that's why this still hurts so badly.

I'm not sorry about the way either of our lives turned out. I think we both ended up where we needed to be. Believe it or not, I'm a pretty good wife, and my husband isn't nearly the pushover you and I joked that he would be. We have a nice little house in the country and a few more than the 2.5 kids I always wanted. I have no complaints. We were so young when we were together that I never did picture us as married and living 'happily ever after,' but I did believe that we would always be friends. The fact that we aren't is perhaps the biggest regret of my life. With all the time that has passed and all the blows that have been dealt, I'm not sure that we could ever be friends again. But, failing that, I do think it's high time I brought some comfort and closure to the pained eighteen year-old who still lives in my heart.

Word of mouth tells me that you have no residual issues where I'm concerned, and I want to be able to say the same. I think this overdue apology just might do the trick. So again, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, for the way things ended between us, and especially sorry that we don't know each other anymore. You were, by far, one of the best friends I've ever had and the only person who consistently laughed at my jokes. (I miss that.) Thanks for being the light at the end of that dark, two-year tunnel, for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself, for helping me to remember who I was and what my priorities were, and most of all thanks for restoring my sense of humor. I hope you haven't lost yours. I wish you every happiness. God knows you deserve it. I hope you aren't gloating that I've felt so badly about all of this for so long, but knowing you, you probably are. Take care my friend, and when you think of me, try not to swear too loudly. Remember the laughter, remember those awkward "I love you's', and remember with happiness the Summer of '91. Now that this is finished, I think I will too. Most of all, just know that I'm sorry...As far as you know.

Always,
M