Repetitive Much?

Although it's tempting, I'm not going to take down that last post. However, I will apologize for repeating that particular theme so often on my blog. After I posted it last night, I remembered about three other posts that are eerily similar to it that I have already written. I like what I wrote, but I failed to cover the process that helped me arrive at my most recent conclusions; and that is what I really wanted to write about last night: the process. A new work week is beginning, a trip to Seattle for a family wedding is looming; so I'm not sure when I will be able to write what I actually wanted here. But I did want to let anyone who has been kind enough to read here for any amount of time that I'm very aware I just reinvented the wheel with that last one, and I will try to write something more interesting when time permits.

*Ironically, I just finished chaperoning a District Weekend at Lake Eufaula. The motel had plentiful WiFi and I brought my laptop in anticipation of that, but even when I did have a little spare time; I had no inclination to do anything but live in the moment with my daughter and the other girls. And I offer no apology for that whatsoever. :)

Thoughts on a Sunday

I think I've just reached the other side of a year-long crisis of faith. It wasn't really a question of whether or not I believed in God nor did I ever doubt in my Savior and His mighty power to save. Or that I no longer believed the story of a 14 year-old farm boy who once went to pray in a grove of trees. My faith in those three things feels almost innate at this point, almost as if they were a part of me. What I doubted was my ability to belong to the same church as a very small handful of people who turned out to be a lot more petty and unkind than I had realized. (The adult convert in me has really got to stop placing other members of the church on pedestals.) I mean, who wants to live eternally with people who constantly irritate you? And yet, that ever steadfast (and occasionally annoying) still small voice never wavered when it came to answering my endlessly repeated question "Are you SURE this is my church?!" in the affirmative. And so I've carried on, feeling a lot more like an observer than an actual participant for most of the past year. This is what I've come up with so far:

First of all, EVERY church has petty, unkind people in it. So I'm not going to avoid them by leaving and joining some other congregation. I know this problem isn't unique to my church, I've attended enough other denominations in my lifetime to know better.  But I've also learned that it's OK to acknowledge and admit the hurt, rather than pretending it did happen if you ever want to let go of those grievances and move forward. So, here is my list of hurts, followed by why they don't matter in the grand eternal scheme of things:

It hurts when people from church drop me from Facebook. I may have been baptized almost 18 years ago, but in my heart; I am still very much a new convert. And when some faithful Molly drops me, I feel like "maybe I never really WILL be good enough for this church if Sister (Fill in the Blank) can't even stand to read my status updates." (And yes, even with 400-plus friends, I know exactly which women from church have dropped me, and in the most recent case; all I can say is a knife in the back would have been more subtle.) And, as if online incidents weren't enough, it hurts even more when I watch someone from church do a bad job of pretending that they haven't seen me at the store. And the worst is to have to hear the passive/aggressive comments that they make right in front of me. Particularly on the Sundays that I conduct Primary or teach Sharing Time ("Oh dear, we lost ALL our music time today because Sister G's lesson ran over a little bit." or "Well, SOMEBODY in the Presidency needs to do SOMETHING different around here.") And they say these things right in front of the children, including three of my own. (And yes, there are specific incidents and people related to each of the above-mentioned incidents.)

To any casual bystander stumbling across this list would say that I have what they call "just cause" to gather up myself and my 5 children and leave the church. And yet, as I mentioned, I no longer feel inclined to leave. My hurts may be legitimate, but my commitment to God and to my Savior is bigger than those. And while I may fall short of these women's expectations of me; I know through prayers that my Father in Heaven is pleased with my efforts and my progress and I will not let their small-mindedness get in the way of my bigger picture. Eighteen years ago, I made a promise to follow Christ, and while I may not be very good at it; that's not going to stop me from getting up and trying my best each day. As annoyed and hurt as I can get in the moment, overall I feel a much bigger sense of peace regarding where I am in my life both professionally and spiritually. I found a quote that pretty much covers my feelings about those who make such a show of disapproving of me. Not surprisingly, I found it in the Percy Jackson book; so you're going to have to forgive its plural references. I think everyone will get the gist of it anyway:

"...lesser beings do many horrible things in the name of the gods. That does not mean we gods approve. The way our sons and daughters act in our names...well it usually says more about them than it does about us."


To which I can only add an "Indeed it does. Amen." I'm not going anywhere. Sorry Molly's, you're stuck with me. Eternally.

Music Monday

I didn't trust the radio gods to provide me with the musical support I needed as I made my morning commute today, so I trusted in my iPod instead. It didn't disappoint. Here is some of this morning's playlist:

1. "Dancing Queen" ABBA (?ave I mentioned I've seen Mamma Mia on stage three times? Aaand thanks to having a lot of girls in the house, I can't tell you how much the movie has played in my living room.)
2. "Rent" Rent soundtrack (Lest I needed reminding about why I got a job in the first place)
3. "Angel of Harlem" U2
4. "My Sweet Lord" George Harrison (A lovely song in its own right, but also a lifelong reminder of a very funny inside joke between me and my friend Chris. Sorry Chris, I guess some things just refuse to die.)

The drive home included Rent's "La Vie Boheme" and a second airing of "My Sweet Lord" and with that I considered my first day back at work a success. I love my iPod. And my new job. And Chris. ;)

Week In Review

*I'm aware that I get the fewest comments on these and I'm sure if I put out a readers' survey, people would suggest these posts be the ones I don't write anymore. BUT, I'm writing these more for me to have a record of things my family and I did while the kids were growing up, so basically you all are stuck with them.*

Reading


Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan


We will finish this later tonight! I have to say that it's not my favorite book, but reading it through aloud to the kids (I always read them to myself first) has given me more appreciation for it. Book 5 is my favorite and we will start it next week. It's hard to write these reviews without giving away spoilers, but some of the things I have appreciated about this book (and its predecessors) have been the renewed interest my kids have in US geography, Greek mythology, and creative writing/play. Caroline has been writing Greek 'myths' all summer and acting out parts of the book with Elisa (and Tristan when she can rope him into it). And I love events in the book taking place in tourist spots I have visited with the kids: the St. Louis Arch, Arizona, Florida, etc...because the kids really relate to it. All in all, these books will represent the summer of 2010 to my kids and I'm sorry to see them coming to an end.

Watching-


19 Kids and Counting-


Do you think Jim Bob and Michelle took comfort in knowing that not only would their oldest set of twins be together in Southeast Asia, but that a camera crew would be there too? I'm glad though, I've really enjoyed seeing their trip. Also, I'm glad Baby Josie is almost ready to go home. And yes, it is amusing watching Jim Bob on his own with most of the kids, BUT he isn't nearly as inept as the commercial spoilers make him out to be and it irritates me a bit. Kind of like how their cover on People magazine read "WE ARE READY FOR MORE" (babies), but in their interview all they said was 'We aren't going to prevent more, that's not our decision.' (A viewpoint I respect, but lack the necessary faith to follow through with myself. I'm more of a "Let's quit while I still have bladder control" kind of gal. Anyway...) I also wonder why so many visits to the Bates? Could there be some kind of courtship involved? Just curious...

The West Wing, Season 6


I realize that one of the very telling hints as to how odd I am would have to be my love for these two very divergent TV series, but it's just part of the fun of being me. My husband may not love this show, but he bought all 7 seasons for me as a Christmas gift a couple of years ago. I flew through the first 5 seasons, then I got busy with other things and stopped watching them. It wasn't because I didn't love the show, I do! It's just a busy thing to have 5 kids and a job. A few weeks ago, I happened across the show on the Bravo channel and realized I was watching one of the final episodes. That reminded me that I still had two unwatched (and commercial-free) DVD boxed sets in my possession. I finished Season 6 on Saturday. Now that school has started and I start working tomorrow, who knows how long it will take to see Season 7? But I'm determined to see it through by Christmas. I think the writing, direction, and acting on this show made it the highest quality TV series I will see in my lifetime. And I wish the three branches of government who actually make our decisions in Washington DC were as principled as the characters on this show.

At the Movies


Anne of Avonlea


First, these were my favorite books. Then, they were my favorite miniseries on PBS and later The Disney Channel. They were loaned to me by a friend so that Natalie could experience them too. We watched Anne of Green Gables immediately, then we got distracted and busy. (As mentioned above.) No one was more horrified than me to realize that the DVD's were still in my possession when my friend sent out a FB message to several of us looking for them. Fortunately, she lives close to where I work, so we agreed to meet there while I set up my office last week so I could give them to her. (Did you see that? I have an office.) Natalie wanted to watch the rest of them before we gave them back, so we had a huge marathon on Tuesday. I loved Anne of Avonlea (aka Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel), but I could only handle the third one through Anne and Gil's wedding. I read and re-read Rilla of Ingleside about 100 times during my 8th grade year and it was Anne's sons who went to war, NOT Gilbert. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it, though it was nice to see how many of the original actors they gathered for the final movie. It shows on BYU TV from time to time, so I may still see it eventually.

Out and About


Back to School-


After all the supply and clothes shopping, we are now back into our school routine. I used to resent it. This year, it has returned a schedule and some normalcy to our lives-and this from a Mom who used to be desperate to home school. So far, so good...And also, spending $20 on backpacks with a lifetime guarantee seems to have been a better use of my money than buying one for $12 each year before school starts.

Back to Work


I start tomorrow, but taught for a couple of days last week and set up my desk and put the Exersaucer and a Pack n Play in my office for Alexis on the days she will be at work with me. I've never been so happy, so nervous, and so excited all at once! The timing and the circumstances worked out perfectly. I'm not sure how much I will blog in specific about my job, but know that it I am very happy with the situation. Especially the fact that "you can bring the baby to work on days you don't have kids to teach or meetings to attend."

Friday Night at Grandma's


Usually, I take the kids. They eat pizza, play computer games, and visit with their great-grandmother. This time, after they went home, Grandma, my uncle, and I talked for half the night about relatives my kids never knew and that even my younger sisters barely remember. I know I am lucky to have my grandmother and both of my paternal grandparents with me at my age. Not even my kids can say that. And I am very grateful for evenings like this. Also, I have one crazy, wonderful, loving family.

And that's all for this week. With a new job starting tomorrow, a Meatloaf concert on Tuesday, and four kids experiencing their first full week of school...who knows what will happen in the week to come!